ANRED: The Forum

This section of our Web site includes first-person stories of recovery, poems, and words of inspiration of, by, and for ANRED's visitors.

If you want to submit material for The Forum, e-mail it to us. We are looking for examples of successful problem solving and stories about how people took charge of their lives and overcame disordered eating. We know that misery, depression, discouragement, and other painful emotions accompany eating disorders. We don't believe, however, that we do anyone a service by putting up selections that brood and dwell on suffering without also suggesting a way out. That's a long-winded way of saying please don't send us material that speaks only of pain, hopelessness, and despair. That's only part of the story.

All submissions become the property of ANRED and may be edited for clarity and brevity. To protect privacy, if we post your material, we will use only your initials. Members of the ANRED editorial board decide which articles, and how many of them, are appropriate for posting.

Thank you, ANRED!

I found your Web site really useful. I have been recovered from anorexia for ten years. What freedom! What I particularly like about your site is the focus on RECOVERY. So many sites go on and on about the 1001 ways to starve and purge. When I was sick, I read things like that and watched talk shows to get ideas about how to be more sick. That was not helpful.

There is a fine line with eating disorders. There's that sense of competition, and finding someone "sicker" just provided new avenues to self-destruction. I was so glad to see that you have a different focus. I think so much more emphasis needs to be put on getting better, not in publishing everyone's lists of destructive practices.

I liked your caution to the individual who was recovered and wanting to help others. I am also a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, but I don't want to treat eating disorders! Not because I'm afraid of going back there -- God knows, I never want to go through that hell again -- but I don't think having an eating disorder necessarily qualifies a person to treat eating disorders. And in the beginning stages of recovery, when I did try to "help" someone, I often found myself slipping. I thought your advice was excellent.

I do give educational presentations to school classes and community groups, but even in those I NEVER discuss my own weight or symptoms. I simply let people know recovery can be done. I needed to hear that when I was going through the bad times. Thanks again.

E.S.
September 1999

Life is so good now that I'm recovered!

I have been in recovery from anorexia and bulimia for ten years now, and I am so glad to be a free, happy person. It took a lot of incredibly hard work to get where I am today, but looking back, it was all worth it.

Sometimes I feel like an entirely different person than I once was. I have turned into an interesting woman with hobbies, emotions and opinions. Before, my life was consumed with food or the lack of it. I did not have time or energy to think of much else. What a terrible way to live. If you think about it, it's not really living at all.

To recover, I sought much professional help and even submitted to quitting college and being hospitalized. I think in the end my disease completely demoralized me, which is the best thing that could have happened! After hospitalization, I continued with individual and group therapy for four years. I truly believe eating disorders must be addressed professionally.

I never thought it would be possible to live a life like I am living today, and I feel that somehow I have an obligation to pass this along to women who are struggling. If you are reading my story, please know that there is hope for you. Find the courage to contact professional help and then stick with it! The work is hard, but the results are worth it. Best wishes to all of you.

A.M.
March, 1999

I'm winning the battle!

Tears stream down my face as I recall how much I've suffered these past few years and how much strength it has taken to make my way to the other side. It has been an uphill battle filled with pain, tears, and countless detours. Over the years, I've gained strength, intuition and the skills necessary to battle this inner demon. I'm finally beginning to achieve freedom from this disorder, but it has been a long and painful journey.

Four years ago, I turned to starvation and purging to fill a huge void in myself. I was in the seventh grade, and I remember how terribly insecure and unhappy I was. I hated the curves that were forming on my body and perceived myself as grossly overweight. In retrospect, I was at a completely healthy weight for my height. I was focusing on my weight and controlling my food intake in order to avoid the unhappiness and insecurity I was really feeling.

After months of severe starvation and purging, I lost a significant amount of weight. My health, both physical and mental, plummeted rapidly. All of a sudden people began commenting on how sickly, pale, and thin I had become. My parents discovered my secret,. They panicked, and took me to my pediatrician for a check up.

I was ordered to come in for weekly weigh-ins and threatened with hospitalization if my weight continued to drop. Over the next few weeks, I did continue to lose weight. I was truly at death's door. Everyone around me was scared, and I felt lost. My pediatrician, aware of the danger I was in, referred me to an eating disorder specialist.

I was in horrible shape. I had absolutely no color in my face and resembled a ghost. My skin had turned a bizarre yellowish-purple color. My teeth were yellow and rotten from the acid that shot up into my mouth during daily purges. I shook uncontrollably from malnutrition. My hair was falling out in handfuls, and I wasn't thinking clearly.

After only a few weeks, the specialist admitted me to the hospital. I was scared, and I will never, ever
forget the look of horror and pain in my parents eyes as security guards and EMTs escorted me to the emergency room. Nor will I forget the IVs, the seven long, awful days on a medical floor; the anorexia nervosa protocol; countless hours of crying; the heart monitor going off in the wee hours of the night as my heart rate dropped into the danger zone; the doctors, who didn't know if I'd pull through; and the feeding tube that was inserted down my nose as I fought with all my might to remove it. And then there was my suffering and the fear and horror of my family and friends.

It has been four long years since my first hospitalization. Since then, I have been rehospitalized several times as I struggled to conquer a disease that took over my body and my life. It has been an incredibly long road filled with many, many ups and downs, victories and relapses, shattered relationships, and finally hope and triumph. I have been out of the hospital four months now, and for the first time in my life I feel alive and well. I am eating healthily and not purging, but more importantly I am learning to love the person I am. Each day is still a struggle, but I am finally fighting this battle with all the strength that I have.

I have dreams and ambitions that are beginning to mean more to me than the numbers on my scale. I am surrounded by people who love me for who I am and who want me to succeed. This horrible illness has shattered my life in so many ways, but I am putting it back together one piece, one baby step at a time. With the help of my doctors, therapist, nutritionist, friends, and family, I am starting to see the light that has been waiting for me at the end of the tunnel. I am setting myself free, learning from the past, and looking to the future. The hopelessness I once felt has slowly faded away, replaced by my newly found strength, passion, and will to live.

C. F.
October 2002

Recovery really is possible!

Hi there! I was treated for an eating disorder in 1987. I was a senior in high school at the time. The program literally changed my life, and I want to encourage everyone who wants to recover to get into treatment and stay there until you see results.

I remember going through a time when I thought the eating disorder would never be completely over. I thought I might gain control over it, but I believed there would never be a day when I didn't think about food. I also believed the guilt would never completely disappear when I ate something I didn't think I should.

I am happy to say that ten years later I NEVER think about food! I look at food like any normal person -- I need it to survive. Period.

In fact, I laugh to myself every time I eat anything sweet -- kind of like saying Ha ha, see what I can do! -- and I don't even worry about the calories!

When you are going through an eating disorder, you can't even imagine feeling at peace with food. It takes a long time but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have three sons now -- six, two, and nine months. I have so many reasons to live and cherish life I can't even count them all. It is so awful to see other people going through an eating disorder and to remember being so obsessed with every meal. It took so much energy and was so exhausting. Even thinking about it now is tiring!

Best wishes to everyone who reads this. I'm rooting for you!

J.A.
April 1999

Now I can make a difference

Dear ANRED, I struggled with an eating disorder in the seventh grade. There were many reasons why I did what I did, but the ultimate reason was control. At the time, many changes were taking place in my life and it seemed that everyone had control of my life except me. I felt that by starving myself I would have control of at least one aspect of my life.

There were times when I would go days without eating anything. Eventually I lost a large amount of weight and got very sick. People who used to tell me that I was too fat were now telling me that I was too skinny. In some strange way, this made me feel good and that's why it took so long for me to realize that what I was doing was wrong. I mean, it felt so right to me at the time. Finally, I decided that maybe I should try to stop. For the longest time I kept shoving the issue under the rug, hoping that it would just disappear.

Then, in the ninth grade, our language arts teacher gave us an assignment. We were to write a paper on something that had had a large impact on our lives. I decided to write my paper on eating disorders and the role that the media plays in our lives. That's when I found your Web site. The articles and letters deeply affected me. I really was unaware of how much of my life was still (ironically) controlled by my eating disorder. The thing that I was using to get control, actually had control of me.

So I finished my paper and, at the very end I included a poem about my own struggle. Then we were asked to read our projects in front of the class. I was so scared. No one had ever known this about me before. I felt so exposed, but I felt that it was time to finally shed some light on this dark place in my life.

At the very most, I expected to read my essay and then sit down, without anyone actually paying attention to me, but what actually happened was very unexpected. After I sat down, I received a note from every single person in that class. Each one said that they could relate to what I went through and what I wrote about!

And when my teacher handed back my work I found a little note stuck between the pages. It read, "You did an excellent job with this paper! All your pieces are very creative, and each one says SO much. As someone who has struggled with this (and still has to), I can relate to so much of what you wrote, and I echo how true and accurate it all is! I'm very proud of you for having the courage to write about (and speak about) this topic. Great job!"

As I read this I could feel tears filling my eyes. Who knew that eating disorders have touched the lives of so many? But now I was able to use that negative part of my life to help others and make a positive difference.

I will admit that I have had many ups and down since then. There are many times when it feels like I'll never stop thinking about food or calories, but I know that there is hope and it keeps me going.

One of the biggest things that has helped me is surrounding myself with people who can help. This isn't a battle easily fought alone. It's helpful to have people praying for you and people you can call to get your mind off of troubles when you feel like you're about to fall. Friends are often-times the best medicine.

I don't claim to have all the answers, but I feel like if I can get my story out there, maybe other people who are struggling will find hope.

Thank you, ANRED, for all of the work you do. It has been a big help to me. Thank you for all of your advice about recovery and what healthy eating really is. There is so much that life has to offer, and I just didn't realize how much eating disorders can steal from you.

Thanks and God bless!

S.Y.
November 2005

Hungry

[Editor's note: Some people with eating disorders, like the above authors, are well down the road to recovery. Others have just begun. Still others have not decided if they even want to try. The following poem captures the essence of the anorexic experience and the dawning of a desire to recover.]

I am hungry
But I ignore it
I’ll just drink some water
But tea is better
Warm, comforting
I look in the mirror
Adding weight onto my frame
I try to convince myself that I have wide hips and shoulders
I should weigh more
But I don’t want to
I want to be tiny
I want to be frail
Yet I want to be strong
I gain strength by not eating
Do you know how hard that is?
Do you know how weak you all are?
You have to eat, but I can choose to
Or not
I can go days without eating
But you, you are weak
You just don’t get it either
You tell me to just eat
That I’m not healthy
This is only encouragement
When you tell me I’m too thin
You are complimenting me
I don’t really understand why this is complimentary
It just makes me feel good
You are finally paying attention to me
Besides, who wants to be fat?
I know I’m not fat
I was fat years ago
Now I am normal
But I don’t want to be normal
I like to be different, unique
I like to have attention
Just don’t ask what I ate today
I won’t tell you anyway
I’ll say I’m not hungry
I’ll say I just ate
I’ll make up excuses
Food begins to sicken me
Nothing sounds good
The taste makes me shudder
I’ll eat to stay alive, but I won’t enjoy it
I’ll eat the bare minimum, less if I can
I’ll pop diet pills and get all shaky
But it’s only because I’m stronger than you
I can decide if I want to eat
You can’t
I’ll be cold and tired
But that’s okay
At least I won’t be fat
And I’m in control
I’ll just be careful
I’ll take some extra vitamins
Eat a little more
The sickness will pass
Then I’ll go right back to what I was doing
Because I am strong and can control it
My stomach growls
But it is like a trophy to me
I feel proud that I can be hungry and content
I start to see my ribs
It sickens me, but at the same time I love it
I still think my legs are too fat
But they have always been big
I have wide hips, you see
I love weighing myself every day
I don’t get why people can’t lose weight
It is so easy for me
They just must not get it
They are too weak to control their cravings
I see obese people and it disgusts me
I never want to be like that
I don’t add weight to my friends
They are just naturally skinny
But I want to be thinner than them
I want them to envy me for being so fit
I want them to tell me how they hate me for being so thin
We all just laugh and smile about it
But it is because I am strong and can control it
These hunger pangs don’t really go away
They are still there, I just don’t notice them as much
They say my body will start eating itself to live
It excites me
It’s like liposuction for free
I hope it starts eating my thighs first
I know I look sick
But it excites me at the same time
Look how thin I’m getting
I’ll stop when I reach a certain point
I promise
I just want to lose some weight, then I’ll start eating again
I just don’t want to gain weight back
I don’t really have energy to exercise anymore
But I’m getting so thin I don’t need to
And those pills are making me shaky
It’s kind of hard to think straight
But I am getting so thin
And I am strong and in control
I can choose when to eat
You can’t.

I got sick
The doctor said I had a kidney infection
I just got really cold one night and started shaking uncontrollably
I was bundled up and under the covers and still shaking and freezing
I took the hottest bath possible and finally started to warm up
You tried to make me eat
Tried to save me by getting food into my system
I said I would eat carrots, nothing else
Everyone was scared
They didn’t know what was going on
They all watched me shrink
They all suspected
But no one ever said anything to me
That night, they told you “I thought something was wrong”
But no one said anything
I almost died
My temperature was 104 that whole weekend
I got chills and heat flashes
The doctor threatened to put me in the hospital
Hook me up to an I.V. if I didn’t get better
I could barely walk
The pain was so intense
Maybe I wasn’t so strong
Maybe I wasn’t in control
Maybe you were the strong one because you didn’t put yourself through this
But I did
And I will still think I am too fat
And I will never be happy with my thighs
But before I pop another diet pill
Before I decide not to eat that meal
Before I decide I need to be “strong” and control what I eat
Maybe I’ll be smart and think about what I’m putting my body through
And maybe I’ll try to be happy with what I have
And maybe I’ll focus on enjoying life
Rather than controlling what I eat
Maybe I’ll try to be content
Even if I’m not completely happy with myself
Maybe I’ll try to see how ridiculous my behavior was
And maybe I’ll try to be strong like you ...

S.S.
April 2005

Please ...

(A letter I never sent)

You stupid fool!
Why can't you understand?
You tell me I need to eat.
No, I don't. Go away.

No, don't go. Come back.
I'm really very lonely, and I need you,
(although I won't admit it to you).
Try to understand.
Please!

I'm fat and ugly and lonesome.
I'm defective and inferior and ashamed.
Although I won't talk about it, some part of me is deeply flawed.
Something basic is wrong with me, and I don't fit in anywhere.

I want to be special
And pretty and admired and popular and celebrated
I want friends. I want to be loved and held and protected.
I want to feel good about myself,
But I never measure up.

And you want me to give up the one thing I know how to do better than anyone else,
The one thing that makes me feel better, at least for a little while, once in a while,
The one thing that lets me feel superior as I sip black coffee
And watch you stuff your face with rich desserts.

I won't give it up! I won't!
If I did, I would have nothing.
If I did, I would have to accept that I'm ugly and ordinary and common and fat --
Definitely not special. And I would be lonely and ashamed.

So shut up and leave me alone!
If you can't love me the way I am, then leave.
But please don't go too far
Because I'm really lonely and I really need you.

J.A.Y.
June 2005

Confused

Dear Anorexia Minx,

I hate you!
I love you!

You make my life hell!
I can't live without you!

You take me away from the ones I love and the things I like doing!
You're safe, you're always there!

I want you to go and leave me in peace,
But what will I do without you?

You're making me sad and ill!
You're making me happy and giving me control!

I want to get you out of my head,
But then what will I think about?

You make me shut myself away!
You give me somewhere safe to hide!

You make me so angry!
You give me such joy!

You make me cry!
You make me laugh!

I want you to go!
I want you to stay!

I need to be a good mum and a good person!
I need something for me!

You're wrecking my life,
But I need you, I want you!!

I don't want to be weak and in pain,
But I need to be THIN!

C. B.
September 2007

Buyer beware!

Please advise your readers that a number of herbal products contain stimulant herbal laxatives disguised as diet teas, etc.

Recently, the California FDA passed an emergency regulation about these products. Further, the FDA concluded after their investigation that these products are potentially harmful.

I know these products are dangerous because my wife and a number of other young and otherwise healthy women died after using them for prolonged periods of time. Unlike properly labeled laxatives, these products were sold, and continue to be sold, as all natural, safe foods despite the fact that tests show their laxative levels exceed many over-the-counter laxatives.

Unfortunately, the people who died had no idea that what they were taking was anything other than a safe product.

A grieving husband

For my beloved wife

I am the husband of a lovely woman who is addicted to the exercise bike. She is a very beautiful woman, smart and well-educated. She rationalizes every bit of exercise she does, and it is never too much. It controls our lives, but she doesn't see it.

She will not eat any fat in her diet and only tiny bits of protein. She spends about one and a half hours on the bike each and every day -- more if I don't say something to her. If she cannot exercise, she cuts down on her food and eats even less than usual. She equates her self worth with how she looks and the job she has.

I have tried to be supportive. I tell her my love is not based on her weight or her paycheck but on who she is and what she brings to our relationship. Nothing I do seems to make a difference. I am tired of having to talk to my wife over the roar of the exercise bike. I don't want to hear another irrational excuse for her staying the way she is.

I have seen pictures of her at a heavier weight, and to me she was beautiful. I have told her this, but my words fall on deaf ears that listen only to what the warped little voice in her head tells her about what she needs to be appreciated and of value to herself and others.

I am in this relationship till death do us part because that is what I promised I would do. She got your address from a women's magazine, but that is as far as she has gotten to doing anything about her problem. I have printed out some of your web pages in hopes she will read them and take them to heart.

My love for my wife grows stronger each day; I just can't be the strength for us both. I want to fight this, but it is a battle inside her, and I can only help pick her up when she falls. I can tell her I am here for her, but the battle is hers to fight. I desperately hope she will turn and confront the monster that controls her, telling it she will obey it no more. I write this for my wife, I LOVE YOU L-------, MY DARLING!!!

D.
Your devoted husband

For my beloved wife -- an update. Three months later

This is an update to the story of my wife's addiction to the exercise bike. You all will be as glad, as I am to know she has sought help with her disorder. She has begun a 90-day inpatient program to help her deal with the problem. It was the hardest step I think she has ever had to take, but it is definitely in the right direction.

She has been gone now for just over a week, and she has gone through many changes already, some physical but most mental. She now knows she had completely lost control and needs to get it back. She knows (as do I) that there is still a long road ahead of her, but she is on the right road and going in the right direction.

The best part of this process is that she is finally opening up and sharing her inner self with me. She talks of fears and desires, and I feel very proud and privileged to have her open up to me in this way. I can not even begin to express my awe. I had a strong love for my wife before she began this process, and it grows with every step she takes.

I know there are going to be days of pure hell in the coming months, but it will be worth the pain and tears to have my wife back with me, sharing all the good and bad that is laid before us as we go through life together. I will keep you posted as this time passes. My heart is with you, L.

Love,
D.

Who I Am

It makes me feel like I have control,
Yet in actuality, it has complete control over me.
It's something I feel I must do.
I'm sorry if you cannot relate,
But don't try to understand it,
Because you never will.

Why can't you see what it does for me?
It makes me pretty.
It makes me happy.

"If you're so happy, then why are you crying?" you ask.
I told you, don't ask for explanations,
Because I can't explain.
I need it in order to be me.
It's who I am.
I don't think I can change.
So if you will, please don't ask me to change.
Let me handle my life the only way I know how.

H.A.B.
Written January 6, 1997

When I feel fat

Whenever I say "I feel fat," my therapist reminds me that fat is not a feeling. Then she helps me figure out what I really am feeling. Usually it's some variation of fear, sadness, anger, emptiness, anxiety, vulnerability, or loss of control. Usually I need some reassurance, comfort, validation, direction, an outlet, or an action plan to get what I need.

When we have figured out what I need, then we can make a plan to get it and work on related issues. I now realize that "feeling fat " is just a smoke screen.

Unknown
From an old file

I tried to help my friend, but she died.

Well, it has been a little while now, and the loss no longer saddens me to the point of hopeless tears. I suppose, though, that my deep grief for my friend was needed as much as our times of overwhelming giggles -- it's what helps us keep the balance.

I've always believed that hard times are valuable lessons, maybe even more valuable than good times. Now I must step aside and see what I learned from this loss.

It is hard to decide just how much energy to expend on people who do not want to be recipients of my caring. Harder still to walk away and leave them to their own devices. Yet, I do know that someone who does not want help cannot be helped. I guess that's what made my friend's death all that much harder to bear.

She did want help, and she was getting better. It wasn't just a question of the illness winning. I think she decided to recover too late for her body to recover from all the damage she caused by starving. She was past the point of no return.

This whole sad experience has brought back my own struggles with an eating disorder. Even though I'm strong in recovery, when my friend died, I brooded over the questions, "Why not me?" and "What purpose do I still have here."

Why am I still alive while others don't make it? Is it just because I am stubborn or lucky? Or is something deeper going on? I don't know, and I probably never will know, but I like to think it's because there is still something I need to accomplish here. Something that needs to be shared, said, or done.

Now, it's time to pick up the pieces and figure out where I need to go and what I need to do. Thanks for letting me speak my piece.

W.F.

A letter to my friend Jennifer, who is too thin

Yesterday you asked me why I haven't called you lately. You said you feel that I don't want to hang out with you anymore. You wondered if I'm angry at you.

Yes, I'm kind of angry, but even more than that, I'm scared. I'm scared that you are going to die or end up in a hospital or psych unit. Even if you don't die, maybe you will do something to yourself that can't be fixed. That's why I'm scared.

To be honest, I don't want to be around you because you're not the Jennifer I used to know. Jenn has disappeared, replaced by someone who is a fake and a poor substitute. I used to be able to talk to my friend Jennifer about anything and everything. She considered my ideas and then responded thoughtfully, even to my off-the-wall wacko ideas. This counterfeit person is rigid, defensive and blindfolded. She won't open her eyes and see what is obvious to everyone else, especially to us who love her.

I'm beginning to despair of ever getting you back. You are slipping farther and farther away, and it seems I can't do anything to stop your slide into destruction. I even talked to a counselor and asked how I can help you. She said I can't do anything except encourage you to get help, that if you change it will be because you realize you are in a trap and decide to ask for help getting out. That's hard for me to accept, but I guess I have to. For sure, nothing I've said or done these past months has had any impact on you.

You are right about one thing, I don't want to spend much time with you anymore. It's just too painful for me to watch the counterfeit Jennifer insist on crippling your mind and body by refusing to eat. And all you ever talk about anymore is food and your weight. That's boring, and it triggers my own doubts about my body and appearance.

You don’t have to do this to yourself. I hate what this disorder has done to you, and I hate the fake Jennifer for replacing my kind, smart, wise, thoughtful and witty friend with a sad, withdrawn and depressed mental case. I want the old Jenn back, but I don't think you can reclaim her by yourself. If I still have any influence with you at all, please think about getting help to evict your cruel replacement.

This is killing me, Jennifer, and you know why? Because it’s killing you.

A friend
October 2004

I thought I had to be perfect

Where did so many of us get that notion?

Did we get it from parents who hoped we would make up
for all the empty spaces in their own lives?

From teachers who took for granted everything we did right
and focused on our every mistake?

From religious leaders who told us the story
of how Adam and Eve broke one rule
and were punished forever?

Do women get that message of perfection
from movies and fashion ads,
from actresses and models
with figures they can't hope to match?

Do men get it from relentless pressure to sell more,
to earn more,
and a society that makes fun of the losers in the Super Bowl
for being only the second best football team in the world?

How good do we have to be?

by Harold Kushner
Parade Magazine
September 8, 1996

Never Give Up!

I've been recovering from anorexia for about eight months, and now I can say that I have reached the final stage. No longer do I waste so much of my energy scribbling down calorie sums and pushing my body to exercise when it has nothing to fuel it.

During my disorder I lost approximately a third of my body weight, but luckily it appears to have caused no long term damage. That's not to say that anorexia won't. What helped me recover was shocking information I discovered about possible damage. Somewhere, deep inside me, was the tiniest little will to survive that I had buried away for so long. I grasped onto it and found strength to ignore the screeching voice of my so-called "best friend" -- anorexia nervosa.

There is hope. There is light at the end of the tunnel. If you have an eating disorder you have to realize that the media present such a false world, and there is no point in trying to live up to the unreasonable and unhealthy demands to be ridiculously thin. If you feel thinness is about being attractive to the opposite sex, remember that no man likes to see bones. If you feel it's about health, remember that you are probably far below a normal healthy weight range.

If you're anorexic, you're hurting all the people that love you. Throughout my 18 years on this planet I have never seen my mother cry her heart out the way she did when I was anorexic, nor have I seen such a worried and terrified look in my father's eyes. When people stared, I thought it was because they thought I was pretty. It was actually because they were horrified at what they saw.

Anorexia won't gain you popularity. I lost touch with so many of my school friends because my emaciated appearance scared them to death, and I avoided them, clinging desperately to my boyfriend who was finding me less and less attractive. Now that I've regained all my lovely womanly curves, my boyfriend adores me again, and my friends are no longer scared of me -- they love for me to be around because recovering has given me a determined attitude to damn well enjoy myself!

But not only has my appearance improved, so has my health. My hair no longer falls out; the dizzy spells have stopped completely, and I have tremendous energy to do whatever I please. Luckily, all this has happened just before my final exams, so I'm ready as I'll ever be.

Never give up! Life is for living, and you only get one chance. Don't waste it by succumbing to this terrible disease. You can overcome it. If I can, anyone can.

E.
June 2002